DEVILLE: MY PRESENTS TO ALL 12 TEAMS — HOLLYWOOD!
By: Coop DeVille (LFL360.com)
Photo: Joe Petro/LFL PHOTOS
Is it just me, or is everything that you eat during the holidays coated with sugar?? Chocolate, cookies, fruitcake, sugar infused gravy, sugar crusted turkey, mashed sugar potatoes, 4 TBSP of sugar in my wine, etc. Holy Moses!! I know that I’m sweet, but this year was ridiculous. My goodness, has it been a year?? Unbelievable!! 2011 had it’s ups and downs. Cowboys and Aliens, Tony Stewart’s Sprint Cup Championship, the return of the E-Trade Baby, reruns of “The Wonder Years” on TV Land and Mike’s Harder Blueberry Lemonade were definitely some of my highlights. My lowlights?? The Cavs, Indians, Browns, anything Rachel Ray, Frank McCourt, every politician in Minnesota and of course, all the horribleness that major college football programs brought to the table. I won’t go into detail about that one, but two words sum it up….Sick Monsters!! Moving forward…
I know that in times past I have had the tendency to be a wee bit harsh to some of the teams of our fair league. Well in my defense, if you play and perform well, I have nothing but good things to say. If you do the exact opposite, I’m going to give you the business. You have to remember. I LIVE IN CLEVELAND!! I HAVE NOTHING!! I bleed Orange and Brown, Red and Blue and Wine and Gold. Those are pretty big cuts however; and I don’t think there is a Band-Aid out there big enough to stop the seepage!! I love my teams, but at the end of the day, they’re terrible. Don’t take offense to it, just play better!! Plain and simple. So to be a little more accommodating heading into the new year, I’m going to have some more fun with all 12 teams. It’s celebrity Coach time!! That’s right. I’m not saying anything bad about the current coaches that head their respective teams. This is just something that popped into Coops head that if I had a famous son/daughter that hails from where you play, I would choose this person to win the big one for you. So put on your specs, whip out the Snuggie and enjoy reading…
Philadelphia – Rocky
This was pretty easy. The only “imaginary” character that made the list, how can you say anything bad about this guy?? (If you said Rocky V, you get a free pass) He pounded the crap out of sides of beef just like the Passion pounds the crap out of their opponents. He ran up a whole heck of a lot of stairs to get to the top just like the Passion is running up all of these points!! A true champion of the city, he set the tone on what the Passion might experience by the end of the 2011/2012 season!!
Bill Cosby – “Because the puddin’ and the pop.” Seriously though, he was Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable. Philly’s coolest resident PHD.
Arnold Palmer – The man had a great golf career that was overshadowed by mixing two already flavorable drinks together. Philadelphia Passion. You’re telling me there aren’t two sugary concoctions that you could mix together to make an awesome beverage with that name??
Orlando – Wesley Snipes
Never in motion picture history has there been an actor with more versatility. (Debatable) If you can be a fun loving, base stealing, wise cracking Willy Mays Hayes in one film, then transition into a bada$$, butt-whooping, sword swinging Ninja Vampire in another; I will always sit in on that pre-game speech. Just don’t let him fool you into following the game plan for Passenger 57 or U.S. Marshalls.
Janet Reno – The more I think about this one, I’m not sure I would listen to her as a coach. I would however have her lace them up and take the place of the “entire” offensive line. She’s a very burly woman and may make the 32 Belly Option a little bit easier to run!! (I’m terrible!!)
Carrot Top – I just think that their opponents would look on the opposing sideline and get very distracted. From his crazy, not funny, props to his unusual build. I know that most of the major sports leagues have a PED’s problem. Has the National Comedian Association looked into this at all?? Scary!!
Las Vegas – Wayne Newton
When you’re called “Mr. Vegas,” you’re pretty much allowed to do whatever you want. He could croon the opposing team. Buy the other owners and coaches off. Tell the story of how he went to a new low when making a cameo in Vegas Vacation, but he really didn’t care because he’s, “Wayne Newton!!” And who else in their right mind can make a song written in English, that evolves around a greeting in German?? Brilliant!!
Kyle Busch – Did you really think I was going to make it through this whole thing without a NASCAR reference?? But seriously, this guy does and will do anything to win. I think Coach Lee and Kyle would get along reaaaaaaaaal nice!!
Andre Agassi – This guy lived in the shadows of Pete Sampras for years (Like the Temptation??) But, somehow he always ended up winning tournaments and no one had a clue. It doesn’t matter when or where you win, it’s just that you win!! Vegas is doing that quite well this year.
Los Angeles – Coolio
Yup!! That’s not a typo at all. The Temptation have been the darlings of the league for the past two years and in no way, shape, or form are they far from doing it a 3rd year in a row. And this is just the perfect transition. Those girls have been on a “Fantastic Voyage” and that boat is still sailing until someone decides to sink it. (Well played Coop!!)
Eldrick “Tiger” Woods – The man is a champion. No one can take that away from him. Ok, so he’s done some things and had some injuries that have hurt his career. But tell me this. Every time you see him on the course, do you not think he’s a threat to win?? I can’t stand the guy, but I still take him over the field!!
Jeff Gordon – NASCAR reference number 2!! This is very similar to honorable mention #1. The guy did nothing but win, and in convincing fashion. Time and years caught up to him, but if you’re not careful, you’re looking at his tailpipes just as quickly as you were looking at his grill in the rearview mirror.
Seattle – Adam West
So he plays the silly mayor of Quahog on Family Guy and maybe the cheesiest of Batman’s. (Scratch that. George Clooney’s Nipple Suit Batman wins that award.) Anyway, at the end of the day, he’s still the mayor and he’s still Batman. Those are both pretty good gigs no matter how you go about it. You may not be able to piece together what he says during the pre-game speech, but who doesn’t want to play their heart out for Adam West??
Jimi Hendrix – This is pretty self-explanatory. All the man would have to do is plug in the old’ Fender and just start rocking out. Somewhere in between “Purple Haze” and “All Along the Watchtower,” if he set his guitar ablaze like it was a demon replicating Woodstock, how could the girls “not” be motivated??
Bill Gates – 2nd and 6. “How much for 4 yards??” Holding, Offense. “How much to make that Holding, Defense??” Final Score 20-16. “How much to make that 16-20??” And so on, and so on…
Tampa Bay – Hulk Hogan
So he’s not from Tampa originally, but now he lives there so this is legit. Come on though!! To have him walk into the locker room with the red bandana and rip apart the Hulkamania shirt, would get any team amped up. And if another Coach or player from the opposing team dared challenge him, can you see him giving the big red boot to the cheek and then landing a leg drop on them?? CLASSIC!!
Delta Burke – I was seriously debating about this one, because in all honesty, I really can’t think of anything that she did. So why the heck do I know her name and what she looks like?? Again, one of those things that you have no rhyme or reason to, she did something to get popular and it worked!! Pretty good selling job on her part!!
Wallace (Wally) Amos – Yes, the founder of Famous Amos Cookies. Little delectable treats that can be enjoyed throughout the year. What cures all when you’re sad, hurt, upset, bothered, etc?? Cookies and Milk. He may not be the best motivator, but he sure knows how to cure a sweet tooth!!
Baltimore – Cal Ripken Jr.
The true Ironman. This guy was like the Postal Service. Neither Rain, Sleet, Wind or Snow would keep this guy from playing. Someone could drive a railroad spike through his foot and he would still go 2-3 with a walk. I can’t even get quirky or funny about Cal. The guy is one of my all time favorite players and I think any team would benefit from having him coach them. My personal opinion?? This guy revolutionized the word “Baller!!”
George Herman Ruth aka “The Babe” – Hall of fame position player. Hall of fame pitcher. Need I say more?? Plus he smoked stogies and drank beer during games, and still managed to bat over .300 and hit 714 Home Runs. They don’t make em’ like they used to!!
David Hasselhoff – I just typed his name for the 1st time and even that made me laugh. But, probably not the best motivator, but I’m sure that he could recruit some top notch LFL quality players. I should say 15 years ago he could have done that. (Baywatch fame) I’m sure some of those girls back in their prime could’ve suited up and caused some damage in between the hash marks!!
Green Bay – Danica Patrick
Hell yeah Coop!! 3…count em’ 3 NASCAR references!! But in all honesty, this might be the one that best suits any team. She is going into the belly of the beast. NASCAR is a male dominated sport and it always has been. She’s proven enough that she can drive with the big boys. She’s been doing it in Indy car for 6 years and now she’s making the jump up to the Majors. I don’t know how successful she’ll be, but she has all of the traits (Talent, Beauty, marketability and tenacity) that Commissioner Mortaza looks for in all of his players. I would definitely listen to her, and of course watch!!
Chris Farley – Ohhhh where I could go with this one. So many quotes and so many one-liners to choose from. However; I have to gravitate to one of his greatest roles as Matt Foley, Motivational Speaker. “Ok, I bet you girls are going to get the world by it’s tail and wrap it around and pull it down and put it in your pocket. But I’m here to tell you that if you don’t end up playing better football you’re not going to amount to JACK SQUAT!! You’re going to end up eating a steady diet of government cheese, and LIVIN’ IN A VAN, DOWN BY THE RIVER!!”
Bob Uecker – There are not many actors out there who’s “imaginary” character is actually more popular than they are in real life. (Harry Doyle-Major League) But in true fashion, if someone asked him what the chances were for the Chill to make the playoffs this year, he could easily give the token, “They’ll end up, JUUUUUUST A BIT OUTSIDE!!”
Minnesota – John Madden
Hall of Fame Coach and Hall of Fame announcer. That’s a pretty good resume. If any of the girls needed treatment with Athletes Foot, “Boom, Touch Actin’ Tinactin” would be readily available. If they needed to repair the roof again in the Metrodome, he could make some calls to his cronies at Ace Hardware. The post-game meal would be phenomenal for the girls. A nice Turducken would be the centerpiece with all the fixing’s. And he has an obsession with the Vikings Brett Favre, not the Green Bay one!!
Michelle Bachmann – HA HA. Sorry….cruel joke!!
Charles Shultz – A brilliant, brilliant man. From the smooth jazz tunes of Schroeder that would relax the team, to touchdown celebration dances that would cause a national phenomenon!! (The scene in Merry Christmas Charlie Brown when the kids are in the auditorium dancing. There’s about 5 or 6 that I would do if I crossed the stripe) And lastly, I’m sure that he would have all of his girls pull a Lucy, and just pull the ball underneath the opposing players. Good times….good times.
Chicago – Harrison Ford
Are you kidding me?? This guy managed to pull off two of the most memorable characters in a series of movies. Indiana Jones and Han Solo. And what was the significance of these two?? Bad Mamma Jamma’s!! Two of the coolest heroes ever. And he has about 10 other movies where he plays one bad Mother…Coop, Shut your mouth!! Just think of the end of that speech, with the classic Ford mouth smirk!! The girls would go nuts!!
Charlton Heston – First of all, he looks mean, so you’re going to listen. Second, how motivated would you get if he was talking and busted this out. “Now I want you girls to go out there, and beat the hell out of those DAMN DIRTY APES!!”
Bill Murray – The man could read a Bible verse and it would somehow be funny. I don’t think there would be anyway that he could piece together a motivational speech that wouldn’t have you splitting ribs by the end of it. I would just rely on the fact that this guy is from Illinois, and that is pretty friggin’ cool!!
Toronto – John Candy
One of my absolute favorites. The thing that comes to mind is Uncle Buck. Imagine him walking into the opposing teams locker room wearing his little fedora hat, small stogie in his mouth, and holding the drill and giving that menacing stare!! Hilarious!! And who else would you trust with a lamp made out of a shotgun, in order to get the money shot on an opponent??
Howie Mandel – There are not many people out there who can convince millions or Americans that choosing a random case, with a random dollar amount inside, is actually a skill and not a pure game of chance. Plus he’s a germa-phobe, so whatever he can do to make the game short and sweet and come away with a W, he’s going to do it so he doesn’t run the risk of getting sick.
Rick Moranis – I actually think he would be a terrible motivator. There is no movie or role that he was in that would lead anyone to believe that he could be a glorified coach. (Little Giants?? Come on) I think that the Triumph could just look at him and realize that they are all a lot bigger and stronger than him, and go out and whip some tail!!
Cleveland – Stephen Spielberg
Everything thing that this guy gets involved with, ends up being huge. He could work on “My Little Pony: The Movie,” and make it challenge Titanic. He could bring in all of the actors and actresses that made millions working for him. Have the girls do a pre-game warm-up on the sands of Tatooine from Star Wars. (That would get the legs loose) Maybe have some Germans chase them through the caverns on the set of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade to build up endurance?? And for winning a game?? M&M’s from a loveable alien.
George Armstrong Custer – I went as long as I could without being cynical, but come on, Coop has to have “some” fun. I won’t say anything directly, but I’m sure he could get together with Coach Howard and do the complete “opposite” of what the game plans were for the games against the Passion and Fantasy, and the Battle of Little Big Horn.
Arsenio Hall – I’m sure this would be a pretty good speech. He could get the crowd riled up like the Dawg Pound, have a few laughs here and there, but the kicker would be this. Once he started waving and pointing that awful looking long finger in the girls face, they would probably run away like Cheetah’s and tear it up so they didn’t have to deal with that thing!!